


The Brief, Sad, Globetrotting Misadventures of Douglas the Sea Monkey, Quasi-Low-Maintenance Pet to the Stars

by sillygleekt



Category: Glee, Glee RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-03
Updated: 2011-11-03
Packaged: 2017-10-25 16:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sillygleekt/pseuds/sillygleekt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, the title says it all. (Also, just know that Douglas sounds like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D_vvsiJUxw&feature=youtu.be&t=28s">Harvey Fierstein</a>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brief, Sad, Globetrotting Misadventures of Douglas the Sea Monkey, Quasi-Low-Maintenance Pet to the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> **Rating:** R (for a sea monkey with a mouth like a longshoreman)
> 
>  **Author's Note:** Guys. This is the crackiest crack!fic that ever cracked. EVAR. I started writing this during the Glee Live tour but I couldn't figure out where to go with it, so abandoned it. Then on Saturday I was chatting with rm and for some reason it came up and we were joking about it. Then just a few hours later, CC tweeted his Halloween costume. It had to be fate! So, to celebrate Chris' brilliant costume on this fine Halloween, I resurrected it and now here it is.
> 
> Also, anyone who knows me knows I get very easily squicked by RPF to the point that I don't read it unless someone I know tells me it's safe. So while technically this is RPF, it's so cracky it practically isn't.
> 
> BIG THANK YOUs: To rm for the brilliant title, for giving Douglas his voice (Harvey Fierstein, see above), and for reading this and laughing which reassured me that it was ok to post. And to deconglee for looking it over and for helping me with the ending, and for putting up with me pasting random snippets of this in chat as I was writing yesterday.

I'm hungry. No. Scratch that. I was hungry a week ago. Now I'm fucking _starving_. I can't even remember the last time I had a goddamn meal. I mean, sure, I get that being on the road and being in a new city every other day is a pain in the ass, but is it _really_ so much to ask for a little fuckin' sea monkey food every once in a while? It's not like I can go out and get it myself. Believe me, if I could, I woulda fuckin' done it by now.

Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. Most guys like me would be stuck in a tank staring at the same shitty kid's bedroom for his entire life. Or in some lab somewhere being subjected to god knows what. Jesus fuck that would suck. I, on the other hand, get to be carried around on Chris Colfer's wrist every day.

Yeah, you heard me. Chris Fucking Colfer. And you know what else? I've seen him naked. How'd you like them apples, fangirls? Not that I roll that way. No way. Not me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, hey, Chris is a great guy. And I'm just as much of a Klainer as the rest of you. 

Speaking of which, I was _right there_ during rehearsals for their kissing scene. And let me tell you, if you think it was hot watching it on TV, just imagine what it looked like from _my_ viewing angle! Yeah, how much do you wish you were me now?

But where was I? Oh right. Hoping to get some goddamn food. Apparently, sea monkey food is impossible to find in Europe. You'd think you could find _anything_ in London. But no. Want some hideously overpriced shit cooked by Jamie Oliver or Gordon Ramsey? No problem! But a little something for Douglas? Apparently not. Chris had even taken to tweeting about it. I shit you not. And we were in London for a whole week! Damn Limeys.

Now we're in Ireland and Chris is _again_ asking Twitter to help him out. Fat lot of good it did last time, dude. Maybe we can find a Leprechaun to conjure me up something to eat. Shit, I'm getting really bitter. But dammit, I'm _hungry_!

Chris lifts his hand to look at his watch. I glance down. Five o'clock. When I look back up, he's staring at me. 

"Shit. Sea monkey food. I gotta figure out where to find some. Sorry, Douglas!"

I may be really fucking hungry and in a pretty shitty mood because of it, but I can't deny that he sounds genuinely distressed about it. Like I said, he's a great guy.

"Ashley said she was looking into it. I'm gonna go find her and see if she had any luck," he tells me and starts walking down the hall to look for her. 

Chris talks to me a lot, actually. Although I have to admit, more often than not, I have no fucking clue what he's going on about. But I'm the only one there when he does it, so he couldn't be talking to anyone else. It's really too bad this plastic is so thick because seriously, sometimes I just really wish he could hear me when I yell, "What the fuck are you talking about, dude?!"

After asking around a bit, his best lead is that Ashley's in wardrobe, so we head over there. When we get there, the door is locked, so he knocks.

"Come in!"

We walk in and _goddamn_ if this isn't the best fucking thing about my life. Since Chris is gay, the girls don't give a shit if he sees them undressed and let me tell you, I take advantage of that as often as I can. And today is like the fucking mother lode. Jackpot, baby! Naya's only in her underwear. And let me tell you, she has the best rack of all the Glee girls. Amber's boobs are pretty bodacious, too. Actually, I'd be happy to stare at any of the girls' chests all day. But Naya. Damn. I'd like to swim all up in... 

Shit. Chris has been talking to Ashley this whole time and now we're leaving and fuck! Did she find me some food or not?!?!

"Yeah, thanks for trying anyway!" Chris calls over his shoulder.

"Sorry, boo! I'll let you know if I hear anything!" I hear Ashley's voice call from the room as we walk away.

Damn. _Shitfuckdamn_. She struck out too. Now what?

*

I think I must have blacked out there for a bit because suddenly I'm on a table in one of the backstage lounges where the cast rest when they're not on stage. Chris must've forgotten to take his watch off in his dressing room. Or maybe he's sent someone out to pick up food for me and left me here on purpose. Shit, I hope so. But I'll say this much. It's definitely more entertaining being out here than in the dressing room or worse yet, shoved in some pocket. Hopefully this will distract me from hollow ache of the rapid shrinking of my already microscopic stomach.

At one point, Heather comes in all sweaty and wearing her "Slave 4 U" Britney costume. Aw yeah. Damn, I'd tap that. Now _that's_ what I call a good distraction! But she just grabs a bottle of water and heads back out. Well shit. So much for _that_ fantasy.

Darren comes in a little later wearing a hoodie over his costume and flops down on the sofa nearest me. His eyes are all red. Oh Christ, he's been crying over Amber's singing again. You'd think he was perpetually PMSing the way that dude gets weepy over her songs _every fucking night_. You want something to cry about, Darren? Try not eating for a couple of weeks and _then_ talk to me about crying! 

He gets back up a minute later and walks over to the refreshments table. Now look, I love me the ladies. No question about that. But you'd really have to be totally blind not to check out Darren from behind. Seriously. Dat ass. I wish I could have an ass like that... Hey man, wanna grab something for me while you're over there? No? Yeah, well fuck you and your perfect ass too. 

I heard from a bunch of the Warblers a little later that Darren kissed Chris on stage tonight after Chris read him that ridiculous poem. A poem, incidentally, that he spend a lot of time working on when he could have been oh, I don't know, maybe finding me a meal?! But it was pretty funny. And I totally told him to use the line about the growth spurt. Naya and Heather kissed as well, which is so totally hot. I definitely ship Brittana too. I mean, just thinking about that threesome potential makes me feel a little light-headed. Or maybe that's just the fact that I'm about to _die of starvation_. Fuck.

*

So no one came to feed me during the show. Assholes. And seriously, I'm having a hard time keeping myself conscious here. You try being dizzy with hunger floating around in someone's watch! But now that the show is over for the night, Chris is checking his tweets again. I can't see the screen because he's holding his phone in the hand I'm attached to, but suddenly he lets out a little whoop and moves his phone to his other hand. He brings his wrist right up to his eye line.

"Douglas, we have a lead! Someone said that I can give you yeast in a pinch and I just double checked on Google and it appears to be true. Now I just have to find a store where I can buy yeast at this hour." 

I really want to get excited about this, but even thinking about attempting a happy dance is exhausting, so I hope sending out some "Fuck! _FINALLY_!" vibes towards him will suffice. I think I'll just take a short nap so that I can be ready to really chow down once he gets the food.

*

I'm not sure how much time has passed when I wake up, but we're still at the arena and I can hear discussions about celebrating and partying since it's the last night of the tour. 

"There are a bunch of vans that they arranged that are going to take us. It'll be way easier that way." 

Wait, what the fuck?? No! No partying until Douglas gets his goddamn food! Who was that?! I turn to look. Jenna. Bitc— Oh hey, we're in the girls' dressing room. And she doesn't have a shirt on yet. Nice. I shake myself a little. This is worth being more alert.

"I was just hoping to run and grab some quickly and apparently there's a 24 hour supermarket about a ten minute cab ride away," Chris explains. Yeah, that's my boy. Standin' up for Douglas' needs.

"Chris, it's still pretty crazy out there. Mark and Cory were just outside and they said there's a massive crowd waiting. You're probably better off finding somewhere nearby once we get there. The vans have tinted windows. A cab wouldn't."

Who the fuck was that?! Ashley. No! You were supposed to be the one helping in this whole mess! This is the first time in longer than I can even remember now that the prospect of a meal actually seems realistic! This requires drastic action. I muster up the last of my remaining strength and begin to wave my arms madly and swim around trying to get _someone's_ attention.

Wooooah, shit. That wasn't a good idea. Now everything is spinning. I can't... Huh? Wha? Ooh, is that Naya? She's getting bigger. That must mean she's coming closer. Yeeeeah. Come to Douglas, baby.

"Yeah. C'mon, Chris. This has been a crazy time and we should celebrate!" she cajoles and grabs his hand (the one I'm on) and swings it back and forth happily. 

Oh crap. Not good. That does _not_ feel good. Fuuuuuuck. Everything is starting to blur and fade...

"Let me just change my shirt and then I think we've got plenty of people to take the first van over." Her voice sounds like it's very far away and in a tunnel or... something... or... Ohmigod she's... She said she was going to... She's taking off her shirt. Gotta. Hang. On. Must... see... hot... Naya... boo—


End file.
